Sainte: Knights of Silence MC Read online

  “Listen, I’m gonna talk to the nurses and see what I can do to get more of you in to see him. I’ll call Dr. Siegel if I have to and get him to intervene.”

  “Thank you. The others sure would appreciate it.” I turn back toward the waiting room, and Michael walks to the nurses’ station to work his Vitali magic.

  Rebel walks up to me as I walk in, and asks in a low voice, “How is he?”

  I shake my head. I don’t have to say anything. He knows.

  “Damn,” he says. “Can I go see him?”

  “Right now, he wants Honey, but Michael is working on getting more in the room at a time. I promise, brother, he has things to say. He will fight this as long as he can to say what he needs to. Hawk has never been one not to get his say in.” We both chuckle, and it helps ease the fucking sadness tearing away at my heart for a brief second.

  Honey, Emma, and Ari are sitting in the corner of the waiting room. I walk toward them, and Emma gets up and pulls me into a hug. “How is he?” she asks.

  I kiss her on the cheek and whisper in her ear, “It’s not good, babe.” She steps back and looks at me as tears well in her eyes.

  “Honey.” I kneel in front of her. “He wants to see you,” I say softly.

  She shakes her head. “No, no, I can’t, Ice. Don’t make me go in there.”

  I stand and grab her arm. “You’re fucking going in there, and you’re gonna be on your best behavior. That man loves you. The least you can do is give him some of your precious time before he dies.”

  “It’s not that. I just can’t face him.”

  I pull her up out of the chair. “You’re a fucking coward, Honey. You get your ass in there, and you better be fucking nice to him. Game time is over.”

  She gets up and walks toward Hawk’s room. I follow her just to make sure she doesn’t take any detours. I never thought of Honey as being selfish before. She’s always been willing to give whatever was needed for the club. But now when Hawk needs her, she turns into a selfish bitch—or she is a good actress and has been all along. Well, I won’t have it. She’s in for a rude awakening if this attitude continues.

  Honey

  I hate him for making me do this. How can I face him? Hawk knows what I’ve done. He let me go. He knows I don’t love him the way he wants me to, but does he know I do love him, in a different way? I get to the door and decided I can’t do it. I turn to go a different way but see Ice right behind me. I have no choice but to go forward. Ice is making sure I do.

  Maybe that is what I need to tell him. Ice is right. I open the door to his room and walk in. As soon as he sees me, he smiles. I love his smile. I always have.

  I walk to the bed and sit in the chair next to him. Before he can say anything, I grab his hand and say, “I’m so sorry, Hawk. I’m so sorry for everything.” I can’t keep the tears from falling down my cheeks. My emotions are so torn. I’m consumed with guilt, and it’s only made worse by the fact that I know he’s dying.

  “Baby, stop. I knew going in there were going to be things we would have to overcome. I knew you still harbored feelings for Ice, but I didn’t care. You were worth the risk.” Worth the risk? Damn, he is so blinded. I’m not worth the risk for any man, especially him. He’s too good and deserves so much more.

  “I know you knew about Ice—hell, you helped me get over him—but Sainte? I don’t know where that came from. I hate him, remember? I don’t like him. But he was like a bulldozer pushing his way in. I should have never kissed him, Hawk, and it kills me that you saw it.”

  “We’ve already talked about all this. You know my feelings on the matter. There is no reason to waste what little time we have on the past.” He takes a deep, labored breath. “I don’t have much time. Listen to me. I wish only one thing for you, and that is to be happy. Stop hiding behind your demons and live, Honey. You deserve so much. You deserve more than something safe. You deserve passion and lust and, above all else, deep love. Don’t settle for anything less.”

  “But, Hawk—” Tears stream down my cheeks.

  “No buts, no regrets, and definitely no ‘I’m sorrys.’ We’ve talked about this, and I still stand by what I said before we left for New York. Sainte is the man for you. Give him a chance. He will give you everything you need. You’re the girl for him, and he will love you unconditionally. Don’t let fear rule your life. It’s time to stop being afraid.” He’s quiet and then says, “And, Honey, stop using.”

  I look at him incredulously. “How?” I whisper.

  “Never mind how. Just stop. It’s not the person you want to be.”

  I lay my head on the bed next to him and sob. I’m losing him.

  “I’ve already broken a promise I made you the day we left for New York—when I said I would always be there for you. I should have never made a promise I wouldn’t be able to keep. I’m sorry for that, but there is one promise I know I can keep. No matter what happens to me when I am gone, whatever the afterlife has in store for me, I want you to know I will always love you.”

  I’m sobbing uncontrollably now. I look up at him and say, “I love you too, Hawk.”

  “I know, baby. I know. It’s time. Why don’t you see if Michael worked his magic and let the others come in. It’s almost time.”

  I lean over him and kiss him full on the lips. I linger at his side for a few moments. Tears continue to fall down the side of my face and drip onto the sheets. “I’ll always love you, Hawk.”

  He touches the side of my cheek. “I know, baby. Be happy.”

  I get up from the side of the bed and head back to the waiting room. Michael is there, and it appears that he worked his Vitali charm with the hospital staff.

  “You all can go in and see him.”

  “Thank you, Michael. I don’t know what you did, but I really appreciate it,” Ice says to him as the others proceed toward Hawk’s room. Ice then follows, and I follow behind Ice. He turns back toward me. “You didn’t upset him?”

  I shake my head. “No,” I reply softly.

  Hawk was able to say his good-byes to all of us. When he spoke to everyone he wanted, he fell asleep and never woke up. It was so peaceful, and it fucking broke my heart.

  Ice

  It’s time to leave New York. All our bags are packed and ready to head back to Edinboro. I’m sitting in Michael’s office. There are some loose ends that need to be tied up.

  “Ice, I am so sorry for your loss,” Michael says. “I am forever in your debt. You helped me get my girl back, and I know what it’s cost you. Anything you want or need, you got it.”

  I nod.

  “I’ve made the arrangements to have Hawk’s body taken to the airport and put on my plane. It’s fueled and ready to go when the girls are ready,” he says. “I can arrange to have your bikes sent back if you want to fly with the girls.”

  I shake my head. “No. We want to ride. It will do us all good.”

  “Well, if you change your mind, let me know.”

  “I will.” I push my grief aside and switch to the only emotion that will get me through this: revenge. I want that cartel taken down. They need to fucking pay for what they’ve done. “We’re about ready to go, but there is something I want from you.”

  “Anything.”

  “First, tell me, what are your plans for retaliation?” I ask.

  Michael lowers his voice to almost a whisper. “Right now, Romeo is being detained by immigration. From what I am told, they will deport him back to Mexico. Once that happens, I intend to strip him of everything he loves and then end him.”

  “I want in,” I say. “The entire MC wants in.”

  “Of course. We won’t make any move without you.”

  “Good.” I get up to leave but turn back. “Oh, one more thing… Romeo is mine.”

  He nods. “You got it.”

  I hesitate a moment. “Michael, don’t take what happened personally. It’s a sacrifice we all take, an oath of the club. Hawk did what he would have done in any situation. I don�
�t blame you or your family.”

  “I know, but it is sure good to hear you say it. I’ve been beating myself up about this.”

  “Don’t. We’ll get our justice in the end. I can assure you.”

  “Oh, yes we will.”

  “We’ll talk soon,” I say.

  “Safe travels, man,” Michael replies, and I turn to leave.

  “Oh shit, I totally forgot.” I turn back toward Michael again. “It’s about Sainte.”

  “Yeah, what about him?”

  “He wants to remain with the MC.”

  “And he couldn’t ask me himself?” Michael asks, sounding irritated.

  “Well, he asked me if he could patch in. I told him I was fine with it but needed to check with you. I guess he assumed I would say something and it would leave him off the hook.” I chuckle.

  “So you’re good with it?” Michael asks.

  “Yes. As you know, Sainte and I go way back. If it weren’t for him, I would have done time in juvie, so I owe him. Besides, he’ll be a great asset to the club. We need more men like him.”

  “And Emma? How does she feel about him?”

  “She doesn’t know yet. I plan on telling her after the funeral. I really wanted her to get to know him before we dropped that bomb. I don’t think it will be a problem. Knowing Emma, she’ll be thrilled to know she has more family.”

  “Yeah, probably for the best.” Michael nods. “It’s obvious he wants to go, so I won’t hold him back. It’s fine with me. I probably won’t see him before you all leave. I’ve got a meeting in the city, but tell him he’s always got a place here if he chooses to return.” He gets up from his desk. “He’s got a sixth sense about things like I have never seen, not to mention he’s damn good with a gun. You’re right; he will definitely be an asset to your club.”

  “I will, and thanks, Michael, for everything.”

  “Safe travels, my friend. I’ll be in touch.”

  I nod and turn back toward the door. My heart is heavy. When we arrived, Hawk was at my side. Now, I feel like I’m leaving him behind. I look back a moment. If only we could turn back the clock.

  Chapter 1

  Sainte

  “Are you ready for this?” Ricco asks me through the speaker. I’m in Ice’s office on speakerphone with Michael, Ricco, Alex, and Sal, and we are discussing Romeo’s demise.

  “Hell yeah, I’m ready,” I reply. What a stupid question to ask me. When have I not been ready for a retaliation mission? Why, fuck, they are the best ones.

  “And you know what you need to do?” Michael asks.

  What does he think, that my brain has gone soft since I joined the MC? “Michael, yes, I know,” I say, exasperated.

  “Tell me again, just so I know we got it down,” Michael says.

  I clear my throat. “Me and my guys go in. We get the wife and niece out. We get the money, and we get the fuck out of there.”

  “Okay. Are you sure you and your two guys can handle this?”

  “Michael, I’ve been doing this shit for a long time now. I got this.”

  “Ice, you cool with all this?”

  “Yes, I’m good, but I’ve got one question. When do we take the fucker Romeo out?”

  “All in good time, Ice. All in good time. There are things about Gallardi you don’t know yet. I will share, but I need to get the women out first. Then we can go after Romeo.”

  “I’m running out of patience, Michael. I just fucking lost my best friend because of Gallardi. I don’t know how much longer I can wait.”

  “I get it. I promise I will tell you once the women are safe. You have my word.” He’s quiet for a minute and then says, “Sainte, I’ve arranged transport for you into Mexico, but once you are there, you and your men are on your own. Your return transport leaves at approximately eleven p.m., two days after you arrive. I’m expecting you to report back as soon as you can.”

  “Got it, Michael. I won’t let you down,” I assure him.

  “Okay, I think we’re done here. Ice, we’ll talk soon.”

  “Count on it,” he replies and disconnects the line.

  “I’m going with you!” Ice demands.

  I shake my head. “No, it has to be my men.”

  He laughs. “Haven’t you learned by now that telling me no is never an option?”

  Fuck!

  “So no more arguments. Got it?”

  “Yeah, I got it.” And quietly, I say, “But Michael isn’t gonna like it.”

  “I’ll deal with Michael,” he says, snapping back. “Now, let’s go and give Hawk the funeral he deserves.”

  Chapter 2

  Honey

  I am so done with everything and everyone. I fucking hate funerals. People pass on their condolences to me as if I were his old lady. They believe I am grieving because I loved him. Yeah, I loved him, but not in the way they are implying. These fucking people. They are so fucking clueless.

  Hawk is dead. I still can’t believe he’s gone. He’s gone.

  Everything went so wrong with us. And the great guy he was… In the end, he still stood behind me. He was always there for me. He was the one I could always count on, the one I leaned on. And how did I repay him?

  What am I gonna do without him? I am so disgusted with myself. I never loved him, nor ever would love him the way he loved me. I think to myself, Yeah, he was the one you used. He deserved so much more.

  My chest is heavy, and I can’t breathe. I’m suffocating.

  Anger rises within me as my heart hammers on. My whole body lightly shakes. Oh God, please don’t let them see. I need a hit so badly, I can almost taste it. You can do this, Honey. Get a hold of yourself. The words in my head do nothing to help me. I look down at my hand, and it won’t stop shaking.

  I look around the room at all these fucking people who think they know. They don’t know shit. There are so many of them. The clubhouse is packed with people all paying their respects to their lost brother. But what about me? Don’t they understand I want to be alone? Don’t they understand I want all of them to fucking leave? Every one of them. Members from all the charters, Ice, Emma, Ari, Rebel, and fucking Sainte. Oh, don’t get me started on Sainte. I am feeling this way because of Sainte. It’s his fault Hawk died with a broken heart. He’s the reason I’m so broken.

  I look around the room again.

  I can’t take any more.

  I grab my purse and run for the door. Everyone is talking, reminiscing about Hawk, and I pray my leaving goes unnoticed. When I get to the door, I open it and pause, taking a full deep breath of fresh air. Then I close the door behind me and run. I have no fucking idea where I’m running. I just need to get the fuck out of there and run away. I need a hit.

  Tears stream down my face as flashbacks of Hawk fill my head. It’s as if I’m reliving everything we shared together in chronological order. I watch our first meeting when Ice brought me to the club. I see his face when he realizes I slept with Ice. All those talks after Emma came into our lives, when I lost Ice to her. He did everything to try to mend my broken heart. But what about his heart? And I knew those talks caused him so much pain, but I didn’t care. It was all about me, and he was always there to listen. Then it was our turn, and I thought I was really ready to give him a chance. I really thought I could love him, and I did, but not the way he wanted me to. He knew better, especially after Sainte arrived. Even though it broke his heart, he let me go. He wanted more. He deserved more. He knew I could never give him more.

  The sound of my feet hitting the pavement hammers in my ears. My head is pounding. As I continue to run, I hear footsteps behind me. Fuck, no! I don’t want to talk to him! I don’t have to turn around to know who it is. I know it’s him even before he calls my name.

  “Honey,” he hollers.

  I ignore him and keep running. Maybe if I don’t acknowledge him, he’ll go away. Fat chance. Hawk’s last words were about him. He was convinced Sainte was the man for me. Hell, he insisted I give him a chance. I tri
ed to tell him it’s not Sainte I want, but Hawk would hear nothing of it. He was sure he knew. I even tried to tell him the man repulses me, but he laughed. He said I was lying to myself. Maybe Hawk is right, but how can I ever look at him without thinking of Hawk? This is all his fault anyway— his and those fucking Vitalis’.

  He calls after me again. “Honey! Will you fucking stop?”

  I know I can’t outrun him and he is gaining on me. Reluctantly, I stop and turn back to face him.

  I place my hands on my hips. “What the fuck do you want, Sainte?” I barely get it out because I’m so out of shape and running is probably not the best thing to be doing right now. Especially in my condition. I need some coke.

  “Where do you think you’re going?”

  I take a deep breath. “That’s none of your business.”

  He grabs my arm. “Come on, darlin’, come back. Running away isn’t gonna solve anything.”

  Who the fuck does he think he is? I angrily pull my arm away from him. “Go away, Sainte! You repulse me, especially knowing this is all your fault!”

  He touches his hand to his heart. “My fault? Are you fucking kidding me?” He takes a step closer and glares at me. “And tell me, Feisty Pants, how is any of this my fault?”

  I push my shoulders back and get in his face. In a calm and clear voice, I say, “Hawk would not be dead if it weren’t for you and your fucking family.”

  He cocks his head. “And how did you figure that one out?”

  “Well, if you really want to know… If we weren’t involved with the Vitalis, you would have never come here and we would have never gone to New York. We would have stayed in Edinboro, and Hawk would still be alive.”

  He laughs. How dare he laugh? “Really smart thinkin’ there, sweetheart. Did you go to college to come up with your deduction?”

  I pull my hand back to slap him, but he grabs it and stops me. He’s too strong for me, holding my arm firmly in his grasp. “If memory serves me right, princess, Hawk was shot saving your precious Ice! Why don’t you blame him?”